"I burn my candle at both ends; it will not last the night

In a bullet proof vest
With the windows all closed
I'll be doing my best
I'll see you soon



http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=batch_download&batch_id=WnBSMFhpVnNZY1FLSkE9PQ

i always had this really strong feeling that she would have been an outstanding mom. just something in the way she held him, looked at him. i told her so many a time.
i'm just really, really missing her right now. really alot. i hate that he won't have her to call when he needs to bitch about his mom. sounds so silly, but it's true.

i KNOW she had a deviant art profile. i have to find it. her. where is she? someone help me find her art if you can. please.

One last gaze upon the sun
Bid farewell to everyone
Kick that bucket out the door
Where I'm going I won't need it anymore

Gonna lay my burden down
Take a bird's eye look around
From the tall pines of Carolina
All the way to the wall of China

So I'll go sailing round the room
Through my window across the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room

Life may be just but a dream
I row my boat on down the stream
To wake up on a different shore
Wind up as something I ain't never been before

I could be a drop of summer rain
Falling down on an Oklahoma plain
I won't leave the world behind me
Look around and you will find me

So I'll go sailing round the room
Through my window across the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room

(I will be)
In the smoke from Mauna Loa
Morning mist from the Shenandoah
(I will be)
A grain of sand in the Kalahari
Magnolia by the Mississippi
(I will be)
Birdsong when day is breaking
Words of love when your heart is aching
(I will be)
A bluebonnet by the highway
I'll be everywhere and always

When I go sailing round the room
Through my window across the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room
Through my window across the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room

emmylou harris

shes fucking dead she cannot see what you write because she is DEAD
too fucking little too fucking late

I had to share this, as it made me smile oh so big.
The other day, Freddie brought me a bouquet of flowers when he came home from work. Sumner was taking a bath, and Freddie gave them to me, so I let Sumner smell them, hold them, and we pulled apart one rose and placed the petals in his bath.
Yesterday, my sweet boy spent a good 20 minutes in the yard picking me dandelions. He placed handfuls of yellow "flowers" into my palms, and each and every time, I hugged him, kissed him, and thanked him.
He was just so happy, so tenderly beautiful.
I did take a short video of it, and I promise to share as soon as Freddie has time to load it up on the computer. :)
Let's hope this carries on into his adult years. That will be one very, very lucky woman, or man, if he so chooses. :)

Thank you all for your good health thoughts, prayers and vibes.
Sumner is back to his old silly self. The boy has more energy than I can keep up with sometimes, but he keeps me alive and well, so I am forever grateful.
We close on our home the 2nd of April, and I have mixed emotions. I've been here so long, and this place has become part of my soul. So many firsts, so many lasts, so many moments I will remember.
Heavy sigh.
I am so glad so many of you were able to be here with me. Able to see my view, breathe my air, walk my footprints.
Here's hoping that we can make many new wonderful memories at our new pad together, and enjoy one another again, and again and again.
My family, my friends, my heartstrings, all of you.
I am blessed to have you as my friends, and I don't think I could have survived those dark moments without having your hands to help me out when I needed them most.
I love you all.

Just so you know, I have the most adorable child in all the universe...
Now, Sumner, he's so smart, so funny, so helpful and sweet. I can't get enough of watching and being with him.
Lately, we have been watching his Elmo movie, ALOT. He adores Elmo and the gang, especially Bert, Oscar, Zoe and, best of all, The Count. Makes all those silly sounds when he sees them. Cookie's gorging noises, Bert's weird laugh, Oscar's "SCRAM", and, geez, he does the Count's, well, counting/chuckle.
Ahh Ahh Ahh.
So, this movie, "Elmo in Grouchland", he's seen, like, oh, 30 times. Points to the TV and says "Emmo", and mommy obeys so she can watch him watch the movie and catch up on household stuff/packing, etc.
The other day, he was watching the movie and I hear him start crying this soft little "break my heart in two" cry.
Literally.
My heart cracked open and broke. I ran to him, bewildered, wiping his tears and kissing his little pouted lips, wondering what on earth made him so sad...
Then, the next time he asked for "Emmo", well, that same scene came on 1/3 of the way through and he broke my heart again.
It's a scene where Elmo gets lost in a dark cave and everything goes black except for Elmo's eyes. So, you see two eyes and nothing else.
Now, why on earth would this make him so sad? How does a child's mind work, what do they feel, think? What has happened in his young life that could prompt such a sad state of mind during this scene?
He's not afraid of the dark. I mean, the three of us lay in bed and chatter/play/sing many a night before he drifts off to sleep. I must say, though, he has had these strange night terror? type moments ever since he was born. Just wakes up screaming until we get the bottle in his mouth and he falls back asleep, tummy full. But I just assumed it was hunger pains, assumed that maybe somehow he lacked proper nutrition from me early on in my pregnancy due to my lack of reserves and couldn't bear the feeling of an empty belly.
I tried to make up for it the moment I saw those two lines. Ate everything and anything I wanted to make SURE he was well fed.
I'm rambling, have no clue where I was going or where I am at this moment.
Just, well, goodness, seeing your child softly weep and not being able to have him tell you what is making him feel so sad, not being able to tell him that it's okay, that Elmo is going to be just fine because, LOOK!, the fireflies are coming to help Elmo find his way out of that dark place!, well, it's just heartbreaking.
I guess the thing is, I know this is only the very beginning of many moments where I can't just make it all better. Many moments where his heart will break and I will not be able to help mend it with kisses, hugs, and mommy love.
Having a child truly is like watching your own heart smiling, walking, playing, dancing and weeping, right outside your own body.
It's beautifully miraculous and downright crushing at the same time.

Happy happy joy joy!
Closing date is April 30th, so, Miss Susan, you'll be seeing us in a new place and it's ever so much nicer than this old home.
Promise!
Pictures here~
http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b318/sumner2005/new%20home/

So, we found a home in a town called "Belle Rive". We are making an offer on it today.
One of the bestest parts is, we will be 93 miles away from my moonsister. :)
The home is lovely, all wood floors, many, many fruit trees, and the community has alot of Amish people, so you see buggies and horses alot on the roads.
Such a pretty place, but I'll have to get used to not having a forest for a backyard.
It's only 5 acres, but we'll make it work.
Wish us luck!
OH YA! I almost forgot...
Last week, in the middle of the night, a child was born.
Tehya had one little pup, a boy, go figure, and I would have sworn up and down that she was NOT pregnant.
Seems a foster dog we had back in December, Chase, the Lhasa Apso, left his mark.
:)

Yesterday was my Poppy's birthday. Now, my Poppy has been gone a long while, and he left this world much too soon for this little girl. I never really got to know him all that well, but the memories I do have are nice ones, warm ones, tender ones.
He was a good, good man.
I spoke to my mom on the phone in the afternoon, and she told me how much she was missing him. I didn't have the words to express what I felt. I just wanted to hug her, just wanted to bring her daddy back so he could tell her how much he loved her, how proud he was of her.
It hit me this morning while I was outside in the dark, watching the falling snowflakes pattern the dogs hair, that life truly doesn't end when we die. Now, I always hoped there was more, hoped and prayed that there just HAD to be something more, something greater than all of this, all of us. But it wasn't until just now that I truly think I believed in that something else with all my being.
I think in a way we develop magical powers when our souls leave the constraints of our bodies. We are able to do things that "cannot otherwise be explained".
Growing up, I went through alot of stuff that little girls should never, ever have to go through. Things little girls should never, ever have to learn, feel, know. I am sure that my Poppy wanted to protect me, wanted to stop the bad things, wanted to keep that little girl, well, a little girl. But when bad things happen, it isn't the workings of goodness, or a God. Bad things, they just happen, and we cannot always ward them off or wish them away just because we are good people.
But, now, as an adult, as a woman who survived so many crimes of nature that ruled against her, I can see that those moments made me stronger, made me aware, and brought me to the place I am today, gave me the life, the man, the child I have today.
On February 13th, 2005, I found out I was pregnant. I saw those little lines that changed my world. Many of you remember the horrific months prior to that. The pain my body and soul was breaking from.
Then, just like that, on February 12th, the pain was GONE.
The next day, my Poppy's birthday, was the day I found out about our little Sumner.
Yesterday, on my Poppy's birthday, we sold our home. Got exactly what we asked for, and more. Just like that. Sold it to cash buyers who are giving us until SEPTEMBER to find a new home for our family.
That's unheard of, crazy, wonderful.
Poppy, I know you wish you could have protected me on those scary nights I couldn't speak, couldn't move. I know this. I also know you understood there was a plan for me, and although you shed many tears in heaven for that lost little girl, you KNEW those tears would help the seeds of life grow into the most beautiful flowers my world has ever seen.
I planted poppy's when I first moved here. Every year, they come back, grow, and multiply until they take over the entire garden.
I think of you, always, everytime I see my poppys.
I miss you too, even though I was too young to truly know you.
My mom said she wished I could have known you better.
Mom, Poppy may be gone from this world, but I think I know him more now than I ever could have growing up. I feel his presence so strongly, feel him watching over us, protecting us, blessing us with magical things.
Happy Valentines Day, Poppy.
I love you ever so.

This date changed my life in such wondrous ways.
http://selkiedancer.livejournal.com/2005/01/10/

As if meeting the man of my dreams wasn't enough to make this day extraordinarily special and memorable, I now have one more reason to cherish this date forever and always.
Sumner said "mommy" for the very first time today.
I cannot possibly explain how hearing this word, this one little word I've said and heard directed at others a million times over in the past felt to hear today. This word was mine. It was for me. It was me, is me, will be me for the rest of my life.

We were simply hanging out together on the couch watching his morning cartoons. He was sprawled in my lap, pointing at my eyes, ears, cheeks, nose, playing with my hair, repeating each word after me as he went along.
So, as always, I figured I would try that one word he never ever seems to be able to say no matter how many times he hears it from Freddie and me.
"Mmmmommmy", I said, expecting to hear "daddy", "baba", "puppy", "kitty", any other word except the one word I've dreamed of hearing all of my adult life.
Then, just like that, he said it.
"Mommy"...
and said it again.
"Mmmmmommy!"
and again and again and again...
"Mommy, mommy, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmommy!"

He realized he finally got it. Finally pronounced what he heard us say, what he knew meant ME, and he said that beautiful word over and over and over again while mommy cried, laughed and felt just as beautiful as that word sounded.

Pretty special date, this day the calendar calls "January 10th".
Pretty special indeed.

Yesterday morning, we said goodbye to someone who was a true friend to us. He was a fierce protector, a guardian angel on earth, a companion of mine for 14 years.
I met him when he was a wee, well, not so wee, pup. Through the years, he grew to become such a strong gentleman, the one guy I could depend on, trust, and allow myself to love without reservation.
He was the brains of our family. He kept everyone in line, because Lord knows, we didn't have a handle on things. He was the reason I could sleep at night, just knowing he was by my side made me feel safe and at ease.

Up until the past few months, geez, maybe even the past year, this guy could play ball for hours. He actually made sure that ball got back into our hands, unlike the other beasties we have. Frisbees were his favorite, if you could keep one around for more than a day without him absolutely destroying it with his "killer" jaws. But I have seen this rambunctious, vibrant being slowly wither away. His legs just began failing him. So uncooperative with his sharp mind and strong heart. We have been helping him up and down the steps for a long while now. It's been so damn hard seeing his demise. The amazing thing is, even with useless legs, he STILL was able to remain the top dog. NOBODY messed with Kodi. :)
This past few weeks, Kodi's appetite has been shrinking. Up to the point of nada this past week. Meds helped, but if he was able to eat the things I cooked for him, his digestive system was not able to process the food. If it stayed down, it came out in horrid ways, filled with dark blood. The past few days, he vomited everything he ate or drank.
It's been awful to see, and equally awful to be completely helpless in helping him.
We took Kodiac in yesterday morning to see if anything could be done to help him be more comfortable. Praying for some kind of a miracle, I suppose.
But Kodi was filled with tumors, tumors that more than likely infiltrated into his digestive system.
At 14 years of age, goodness, that's, what, 92 in human years, we remained helpless.
We took Kodi outside after the vet examined him, we wanted to talk about what was best for him. Should we take him home, try giving him shots for the nausea and pain, and hope for some kind of a miracle? I couldn't bear watching this amazing soul wither away to nothing. I couldn't bear to see his bright eyes become dull and lifeless.
But, how in the hell could I make the decision to take what was left of his life and just end it, like that? I wasn't God.
While we were silently thinking, Kodi gave us the answer we needed to hear. He vomited, yet again, and, I feel he was telling us he was ready to go, it was okay.
I held his head in my lap while Freddie, Sumner and I watched him fall asleep. I felt his body relax and was very much aware of his brilliant soul flying free, leaving his physical prison behind.
He's a young pup again. Playing in the grass, sniffing the breeze, eating lots of food and feeling it fill up his belly while he flops over with a contented sigh.
He is resting his little fuzzy head on the lap of a little boy. Dreaming of the day he will be big enough to protect him, play ball with him, go for adventurous walks through the woods and sleep by his side when their day comes to an end.
I love you, Kodi, and I thank you so very much for being my rock, making me feel safe in this home, and every other home we have shared together. Thank you for remaining by my side, even when you had the ability to run off with the other dogs and chase deer during our long hikes and horseback rides. Thank you for being the logical voice and helping me to run things as smoothly as possible on a daily basis.
Thank you for being you, and for sharing your life with me.
Always and forever,
Mom

Why? Because of him. Of them.
Everyday is Christmas. My gift is in this perfect boy's eyes, his smile, it's the gift that never, ever stops giving.
God, I love my family.


More here~ http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b318/sumner2005/all%20about%20a%20boy/

Happiest of Birthdays to my precious moonsisters.
I love you BOTH ever so much.
Always & Forever~

I've been noticing all these great gadget-type toys/learning utilities for kids. Many computer or video in nature, all seemingly wonderful for helping children learn so many things.
After one such commercial, don't know if any of you have seen it, but it is some kind of video learning game and it shows parents encouraging their kids to "play their video games!" rather than, oh, clean their rooms, make their beds, etc. Anyway, after seeing that with Freddie, I told him I did not ever want to see Sumner learning the majority of his ABC's, colors, shapes, numbers, etc., by sitting in front of a TV or computer screen. I mean, what happened to the days when parents actually sat and talked with their children? Taught their children? That's one of the BEST parts about being a parent. You find your inner child again, and you see the world, begin to learn about the world, through these new bright and wonder-filled eyes.
We have been actively looking for a new home. Our home is on the market. We aren't planning to move too far from here, because we both really do love this area of the country. But, the school district in our county is not good, to say the least. The mentality, well, it's very, very backwoods. We want Sumner in a more open minded place, but at the same time, we want to see Sumner grow and learn in a place where nature can be just as much, if not more of a teaching tool as the most technologically advanced gadget on the market.
Just this morning, Sumner learned about something called a deer. He learned that they trust us enough to come into our yard and eat acorns from the old oak tree while we watch from the kitchen window.
He was amazed, just as I continue to be every time I am lucky enough to share a moment with something so wild and majestic.
We are blessed in so many ways living here. Being able to snap this photo this morning share it with you all makes me happy indeed.


Let your inner child out for just a moment and have a wondrous day, my friends.

Not much time to say it in. ( I'm trying my best to catch up with you all and let you know how life on the Johnson farm is going. )

We are fostering these 2 puppy mill dogs right now.
Interested?
http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b318/sumner2005/etc/foster%20dogs/

Thank you, my little man, for making this past year and 9 months the best time in my life.
You are my sunshine, my moonglow, my soft breezes, my starlit nights, my morning star, my wonderous days, the air I breathe and the reason I am alive.
My cup overflows.

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=1FFC2B201EA968D8

http://selkiedancer.livejournal.com/2005/10/02/
I'm bawling my eyes out. I love him more than I ever thought possible, and trust me, I thought I would love him beyond what my heart had ever before comprehended of love.
It's unimaginable, the love you have for your child. God, he's amazing.